As parents we have all done it, shamed our precious child. We can do it overtly or just by a look of disapproval. Do we do this out of habit, discipline, ‘it worked for me”, laziness, or shear ignorance? I assume that most of us are ignorant to the difference between shame and guilt.
Shame- You are bad, worthless, not valuable.
Guilt- The action or behavior you have done is causing hurt, pain or disrespect.
To spin this out a little further, in shame, even if you do a positive action or correct the course of a damaged relationship it does not free you from “being bad”. Guilt is a fireworks flare tells us an action, thought or feeling is causing damage to a relationship.
That is the key- relationship.
Both shame and guilt are born out of relationship. In shame, I am trapped nothing that I do to repay the action, thought or feeling in the relationship will heal the relationship. Guilt offers the option to correct the situation (repay the debt, clean up the mess, offer a solution). Guilt reflects the behavior rather than the person. With guilt, if I correct the action, I am offered the opportunity to build trust and accountability in a relationship.
My child refuses to clean up his room, hits his brother, yells and stomps out of the room; what are his options for righting the relationships involved. If he believes he is bad and nothing he does will change the circumstances why bother? Defeat this feeling of hopelessness by helping him focus on the fact that he has the power to correct harmful actions.
Paul’s clarity on this in Romans 8:1 releases us from the toxic form of shame. There is “no condemnation for those in Christ Jesus.” Why is this so? Paul clearly says he still does things that cause hurt, pain and disrespect to God, himself and others. The answer lies in the grace of Jesus Christ, His death on the cross paid the price for our sins past, present and future. Why? Relationship! God wants to live in relationship with His creation. Sin keeps us from relationship with each other and God.
Think of it like a house, the price is set by the seller and paid by the buyer. Even if outside forces (housing market, interest rates, high demands ) believe the house value is X the price remains between the buyer and the seller. The Creator set a price beyond measure for our worth. This price was paid by Jesus Christ on the cross. Once and for all a sold sign is stamped on our hearts. Our worth is not clarified by our own choices but by the price that is paid for us. This is also true of our children.
As biblical examples to our children the difference between guilt and shame is a thoughtful process. Ask Yourself the following Questions:
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What is the behavior that is causing a break in our/their relationship?
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What is the action that needs to take place to restore the relationship?
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How during this process can I assure my child that he is deeply loved?
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How do I help my child think through the consequence of continuing a relationship damaging behavior?
What is the difference between I am sorry I will fix it and I can’t fix it I need forgiveness and mercy? Our children are beloved by us as parents and by our Heavenly Father; no child is too far gone for the Father to save. Shame is the feeling that no matter what behaviors I do or what action steps I take I am worthless. As Christian parents we understand that “all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God,” (Rom. 3:23), BUT and this is huge! God sent His son so that all of us (no matter how bad) could be redeemed. You and your beloved child are redeemed by Jesus Christ.
Blogs
Stop yelling -At Your Kids to Get Them to Listen
Web Sites
Families with addition issues add another layer to this problem. These sites give insight to your child’s world.
Beamer the Bulb Boy
Celebrate Recovery- Celebration Place for Kids
Sobermommies.com
Books
Triggers: Exchanging Parent’s Angry Reactions for Gentle Biblical Responses
12 Steps 12 Stories Spiritual Messages of Recovery
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