Pray! Pray for my addict husband I screamed at God. He is my enemy! He is responsible for all this mess!
Walking the dog in the early morning while my husband and my young boys slept, I talked or more often yelled at God. Exhausted, I struggled to hold it together during every day with a 2 and 4-year-old.
My husband just really did not exist. Sure, a male human came home in the wee hours of the morning. He sometimes played with the kids and ate a meal with us and then back to work.
I limited our time together on purpose. Colorado had just established the medical marijuana card which my husband applied for immediately against my protests. Argumentative or silent were his only two communication styles at present.
The boys and I normally left before he got out of bed. With his late night work shifts, we rarely saw him. Days off were a disaster. I wanted “normal” family time which turned out to be my co-dependent way of setting the whole family up for misery.
Even, if we could manage a meal or an outing together, my sky-high expectations sabotaged the whole affair.
My Husband, My Enemy
My contempt for my husband made him my enemy. I berated myself constantly. I married an addict! He had promised to quit before we married and he did for 6 months. Starting again on our wedding day, I found out later.
I am sure many of you can relate. At 35, I wanted a husband and children with all my heart. At that point, I did not have enough addiction awareness to realize that words mean nothing and actions are everything. Plus, I could control all this, my husband, the drugs, our family, life in general.
Pray for my addict husband–what was God trying to tell me.
You have heard that it was said, ‘YOU SHALL LOVE YOUR NEIGHBOR and hate your enemy.’ 44“But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, 45so that you may be sons of your Father who is in heaven; for He causes His sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous. Matt 5:43-45
My husband, the father of my children, had become the enemy of the family life I dearly wanted. Love my enemy God? Pray for those that persecute me.
I just sat down on a rock in the field where I walked the dog.
God I Will Follow You
A few weeks before, I bounced up to my Pastor and said I am ready. “Ready for what?” he said. I am ready to be sent anywhere to have God use me in any way even if it means Africa.
My mission field is not Africa. My mission field is my family. God spoke clearing to my heart that morning in the field.
Pray for this man you call your husband and your enemy. Like all humans, I said, “but God! You don’t understand!” He is supposed to love and cherish me and our children, to provide and lead us, to be the rock we can lean on and he… he… can’t even bear to look at us.
46“For if you love those who love you, what reward do you have? Do not even the tax collectors do the same? 47“If you greet only your brothers, what more are you doing than others? Do not even the Gentiles do the same? 48“Therefore you are to be perfect, as your heavenly Father is perfect. Matt 5:46-48.
My family is my mission field and I am to love my husband even if he is my enemy, right? So I got up off that rock and marched home determined to love my husband as God loved me, wrong!
Training to Love My Addict Husband
No, instead I sat and wept over what God asked me to do. I continued to tell Him; I had tried and tried and failed.
I can’t do it; I wailed. I hate him! I wish he were dead. Even as I said these words I knew the answer. I pledged my heart and soul to God again committing to do His will and pray for my enemy.
Dragging myself home, I thought of my life verse God gave me in the midst of this mess.
You do not have to fight this battle. Position yourselves, stand still, and see the salvation of the LORD. He is with you, Judah and Jerusalem. Do not be afraid or discouraged. Tomorrow, go out to face them, for Yahweh is with you.'” 2 Chronical 20:17
This battle for my husband’s very life did not involve me. God clearly sidelined me so that he could act. My training in praying for my enemy began that day.
How to Pray for Your Addict Husband
Years before my mom gave me a little set of cards bound on a key ring called Prayer for My Husband. Still grumbling at God, I found the prayer booklet and hung it on the shift column of my mini-van. I prayed these short prayers every time I got in the car. It was all I could stand to do.
On the contrary: “If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.” Romans 12:20
This verse made me feel better. More like a warrior-princess. As I matured in the Lord, I realized my acting out in response to my husband’s addiction only created more friction for God to cut through to get to my husband’s heart. God needed me to stop trying to correct the situation and let him handle it.
My intense hate gave the devil a foothold in both of our lives. The real enemy of my soul sought to destroy me and my family by creating chaos and turmoil that kept me from prayer.
God showed me a way to pray small tiny prayers that I could swallow–to trust him with my marriage enough to get out of the way. Prayer changes things. Prayer changes you.
Prayer Challenge
Try this 14-day prayer challenge for the “enemies of your life”. God promises to bless those who do His will.
When the LORD takes pleasure in anyone’s way, he causes their enemies to make peace with them.
I did not even dare to dream of peace with my husband. God’s peace came for me as I learned to trust him through tiny prayers. The tiny prayers turned into bigger dreams as life shifted. All, while I prayed for and loved my enemy.
Great post and freebie! I am sorry your husband is unable to handle medical marijuana, it does have it’s place in people who can handle it and benefit from it. God Bless you 🙂
Thanks for jumping in on the comments. All medicines can have their down side. In the process we learned that addiction is only a symptom. What ever the person chooses to use jut covers the pain for a while, then the addict brain needs more pain relief and poof nothing else matters. Sometimes it takes a long time, sometimes a long time everyone is different.
I’ve been there! It’s a hard place to be. Unfortunately, my situation didn’t end well. But I do still pray!
It is a hard place. Jesus offers peace no matter which way out life turns. I am glad for the ability to pray and release the hurt.
I grew up with an alcoholic father and my mom put up with a lot. She prayed, attended Al-anon, and protected us from the truth. After 20 years she finally said enough is enough and kicked him out since he refused to get help. He came home two weeks later ready to home himself and make a change. We just celebrated his 15 year “birth”day last summer. He and my mom are going to hit 37 years of marriage this year. Her strength while being weak at the feet of Jesus taught me so much.
You are doing good things. Keep praying, keep fighting for your marriage.
What a wonderful story! I am so glad your Dad choose life, a full life. Prayer always prayer- Jesus is amazing.
I’m sorry for everything that’s happening. Does your husband have cancer? Praying for him and for you and the family… ❤
No, he is doing well 7 years sober. We both work hard at emotional sobriety too.
This is very encouraging and I love the free prayer challenge.
Thanks Holly! I always like a little fine tuning of my prayer life.
This was right on time! I’m going through this with my husband riggt now, it has completely torn our marriage apart. I remain prayerful through this trial. Thank You
Brenda
Keep praying, trusting and being in touch with a supportive community. Hugs!
I have been going thru this with my husband recently for the past ten years. I also went thru it with my husband for the first ten years of our marriage. He did stop for twenty years, but as soon as he retired and was no longer subject to random drug testing at work, he went right back to it. I have done everything WRONG in my responses to this. I’m sure I have hampered God’s work in the situation a lot. I hope I am finally (after 40 years) ready to get out of the way and let God be God in my marriage. I thankful to have found this post. Thank you for the prayer cards. Hopefully, God can change me, so that I can get out if His way and.He can change my husband. God bless.
Oh, Cindy, you are so brave! Yes let God do his work. Also, know that He loves you so much and wants to be right by your side as you walk through this. Another thing I often remind myself is although I may get in the way sometimes, I am not big enough or strong enough to change God’s plan. Bless you and remember God is always with you. That is two against one fighting for this marriage. Keep your eyes on the one who loves you fully and He will fill your heart.
Did you stop confronting your husband about the issue? I just dont feel like I can fight with him about it anymore, my words dont do anything. He is dependent on marijuana and claims that he uses it for anxiety and pain but also uses it every evening for recreation. He has been using it for 2 years. This is not what I wanted for my family. We also have 2 young boys.
Yes. Yes, I did stop confronting my husband. I started to build a life and friendships without him. For several years the boys and I had a rather vibrant social life without my husband. I wanted a family and normal family life but that was not available so I sought out other Christian friends and especially church and Al-anon activities that the boys and I could enjoy as a threesome.
God provided me with this “expanded” view of a family while He quietly worked on my husband’s heart. It was not always easy. We did always invite my husband to participate if he wanted.
God helped me see that I was not helping myself or my husband by being angry all the time or by isolating myself and children from healthy relationships.
I certainly understand the frustration with not having the family you imagined.
This is very helpful. I am also going thru this right now and believe in the power of prayer. But my husband refuses to see that he has an issue. I pray God will move him in a big way.
Debra
Praying with you! God can and will move. I choose to keep trusting God when I could not trust my husband.
Thank you so much for posting this. I am in tears. This hits home so much right now but this replanted a seed of faith in me when I felt I’ve lost it all. We just had our first baby’ together and if it weren’t for my sweet baby, I don’t know what I would do. I feel alone, like no one understands. I feel embarrassed to talk about it with others. I’m so happy to have found this post. ❤️ I thank God for speaking to me through this.
This is so timely. My husband isn’t choosing sobriety just to “drink less” without pursing treatment or recover plans. So what I’m learning about is the “dry drunk” and learning how to cope and deal with those behaviors. I’ve been going to Al-anon and counseling unfortunately He has decided not to go with me. I’ve been praying, sought counsel of my pastor and praying with others continuously. Glad to have these prayers I will be praying them.
Heather
Glad you found us. I found so much help in Al-anon, a place where I could share and everyone understood me. Keep taking really good care of yourself! You can do this!
AWESOME, SEVEN YEARS SOBER!
Really good work! Keep it up!
So glad I found you and this site. My husband’s addiction is food which caused him to have type 2 diabetes. He also suffers from depression. He lost a job, got a new one, but took a 60% pay cut- which caused me to go back to work full time (teaching) with tutoring on the side as the “bread winner”. He comes home and lays in bed the rest of the night with very little interaction with my girls or me. If you ask anything of him he is mad and grumpy am wants to go nowhere unless it involves food. I have EVERYTHING to do and I feel so resentful. This has been ongoing and I have been praying for most of our married life (27) for a break through. The depression has side effects as well and he has little or no “desires”- and its hard to not feel “wanted” or desired. I ask God “why” or “what did I do to deserve a life like this?” I was listening to Phillip Decoursey this week OTW to work. He was talking about Paul and and the thorn in his side, and it dawned on me that my husband is “my thorn”. I can become better because of “it”due to God’s never ending supply of grace.
Again thank you! And I would covet your prayers as it is so lonely.